Herein is the beginning of the Dubious Book of Waz. Created for the Sheer Hell Of It by Duke Euphoria De'Gryn Knight of the Living Dead TransGalactic MegaPope of RotaTing Space Which shall continue onward until its end. And then stop. Barely contained within these pages is much in the way of Biz, Stuff, Kit, Junk and other T'ings. And Not Much Else. --- Does Size really matter ? A Pig Meant of the Imagination. The Colour of one eye opening. Many things drift upon the face of the Earth, be they fast, slow red, poor, lumpy, smooth or beef flavoured. Others are London Buses which are neither fast nor slow, nor are they smooth or beef flavoured, except in certain cases. A London Bus, Yesterday [Picture of a bus] Who gets the money..? [Picture of the Hand of Eris as a red and green arrow pointing at each other] --- If it is the will of the Goddess that your bus is early, late, or beef flavoured then it will be so. Do not be taken in by this, it is true. --- The Cognitive Theory of Rain Which was revolved in the most Erisian chaos of a heavy traffic Jam Session in North London. In the rain. And it is this. Rain is dull, it's the weather equivalent of "I love Lucy", everyone's seen it before and they didn't like it the first time. The brain of the truly talented Homo Sap. refuses to focus on this drab rerun of an uninspiring section of reality and turns to other things. Lack of intellectual stimulation causes the mind to seize on any stray thought and examine it unto its full potential. Many wondrous things are discovered. They are not explained. We never discover just why it's so hard to tune Polar Bears to anything but Radio 2, we catch only glimpses of the life cycle of the paisley sofa. Things man what not meant to know, secrets from beyond the dawn of time all may be safely contemplated in the most Holy Chaos which is a London Bus. The London Bus, a large red thing carrying people to places, many of both are old. Some of the places are Busstops, some are not. Always there are a few people hanging around at BusStops waiting, for what do they wait ? Busses come, busses go, so, what're you gonna do about it ? that's what I'd like to know... --- [Picture of a toad] I Am The Sound Of One Hand Clapping Eye Am The Ground Of Fun Land Mapping Why Slam A Pound Of Flax? Stand Napping Pie an Tea Round To Some Lip Smacking Pi? Damn We Found The Number Lacking Sky Cam Sees Bound Old Gun fan Snapping Thy Ram Unbound by some Random Hacking Aye Jam, Be Bound By Rum-Band Rapping Buy Yam, Get Free "Hound and Tracking" "Try Spam" She Clowned and was killed A passing Frog People never seem to think up a deity superior to themselves Most Gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child. She Wot Dun it All is perhaps a case in point. --- Lifestyle guidance and the TV Dinner. Many items of everyday food, clothing and occasionally consumer electronics now come with free lifestyle guidance panels printed unobtrusively on the packaging. These pearls of wisdom are invaluable to the healthy Hom. Sap. and will lead to a more relaxed and safer lifestyle. Source Item Invaluable gem of wisdom Sausages Keep Cool. Yoghurt Eat within three days. Garbage bags Keep away from Young Children. Aerosol Cream Keep Away from Fire. Paint Stripper Avoid Deliberate Inhalation. Antifreeze If Drunk, Do Not Induce Vomiting. Cayenne Pepper Keep In A Cool Dry Place, Out Of Reach of Children. Breath Mints Best Before Date, See Bottom. The above list is merely a small selection of the wonderfully useful hints and tips to be found in your local supermarket, seek and ye shall find. Don't try it on with me mister! Use the Cubicle provided. --- Cats Consider the cat, a cat is the most Erisian creature on Earth. Or Not. A cat is fed, housed, and hideously over pampered by its humans, What do the humans get out of it? The Privilege of feeding, housing and pampering the cat. Which one of these is the more intelligent species? [Picture of a cat sleeping] Indeed do many things come to pass. Everywhere we look stars and galaxies are moving away from us at great speed, current theory puts this down to the universe expanding. It is also possible that they simply want to get away from us... If the Universe is expanding then it`s expanding too slowly. The relaxed, almost nonchalant, saunter away from us cannot be accounted for by the laws of physics we currently like the look of. So cosmologists are trying to make them fit by inventing 90% of all matter in the universe and deciding that we can`t see it for some reason or another. They call this extra stuff Dark Matter. Cold dark matter theory says that all this extra stuff (nine tenths of everything) is just ordinary stuff, dust clouds, lumps of rock, tins of spam etc. But this has problems, mainly, where the hell is all this stuff..? Especially the spam... People should be told. Hot dark matter theory states that the missing mass is formed from many many high energy neutrinos and their friends, particles which are small, fast and very very slippery which makes them hard to catch and hold for questioning. [Picture of an arrow pointing at an invisible object] A Neutrino. Warm, Furry dark matter theory predicts that the matter in question is almost entirely made up of cats. Who, being able to alter their density at will can contain many quintillion tons of dark matter in an extremely small space. Evidence for this can be found almost every night when a small Five pound moggy becomes a Seventeen Ton monster asleep on your feet. A Cat. [Picture of a cat] [Picture showing the location of your pineal gland] Consult your Pineal gland for the current location of your share of Dark Matter. It should be about nine times your present weight. If you would like a larger share of Dark Matter, eat. --- Democracy seems to be based on the concept that a million people are better at making decisions than one person. Don't vote, the government will get in.. Do not believe this, it is also true. The AntiVote, In which you tick the box of anyone you Don`t want to reach public office. This is a much more certain way to discover the will of the people... Consider... Tacks Small pointy things for holding wood together Purchased in Hardware Stores Painful when encountered closely Always more than you need in a bag Bends when used wrongly Many kinds made by many different people Used by everyone who needs them Pressure is applied to Tacks by People People would use screws if there were no Tacks Tax Large heavy thing for holding government together Taken from Hardware Stores, Dock Workers, Shoeshine Boys and everyone possible. Painful when encountered closely Always more than you feared in a year Starves small children, buys guns and bribes politicians when used wrongly Many kinds, all enforced by the same people Uses everyone regardless, most don't need this. Pressure is applied to People by Tax People are screwed because there is Tax Flax Soft fluffy stuff for holding linen together Grown in fields Tickles when encountered closely Always plenty to go round People wander round naked if used wrongly One basic kind wherever there are people Used by people who wear clothes No pressure either way. People screw whether or not there is Flax Beware of strong drink. It might make you shoot a Tax Collector and Miss.. --- Hush Mother. Do not cry, for I am filled with Angels By his sign you will know him, and his sign is a turned around baseball cap and Glasses --- Hermits do not want to get away from people. They spend time on their own because they want to be with people. They are each fighting an invisible demon which has taken over their souls, preventing them from living their life. We all have demons within us. When one of my demons believes it is more important than me, causing me to feel overwhelmed and disoriented, I act immediately by excessively pursuing the very thing the demon desires, leading it into a false sense of security and far away from my inner self. Only yesterday I met a man who had been usurped by a happy demon.He said, "I took the dog for a run this morning and he soaked me by shaking all his muddy water over me," but his eyes said, "Life is full of bliss and wonder. Happy I am." This disparity can be resolved if the man pursues nothing but pleasure for some months. If not, his life will become totally meaningless. Reasonably balanced people only experience these demons mildly. I have watched a woman with a prominent earth demon do her gardening. After some hours she returns into her house but she told me that the demon stays out on the grass, presumably intoxicated.A day or so later, as though connected to the woman by a piece of elastic, it gradually makes its way back to her, whispering "gardening, gaaaardeneeeng" before re-entering her body. Hermits cannot easily leave lonely demons behind - the elastic is too short and too strong. Last autumn I was standing in the street when a woman I vaguely know asked me out to the cinema.At the same time a demon I vaguely knew said, "Let us be alone. Speak to me only, for I'm lonely, lonely, lonely!" making it difficult for me to respond to the woman, who soon left. I dealt with this maddening companion by the only means I saw fit.I took it to a place where we could be alone together, talked It through its problems, listened to it incessantly, discovered its weaknesses. Then killed It. Some hermits believe that such an act is immoral. Others have not taken on board the fact that it is a viable option. --- A Pope has a Water Cannon. It is a Water Cannon. He fires Holy-Water from it. It is a Holy-Water Cannon. He Blesses it. It is a Holy Holy-Water Cannon He Blesses the Hell out of it. It is a Wholly Holy Holy-Water Cannon He has it pierced. It is a Holey Wholly Holy Holy-Water Cannon Batman and Robin arrive. It is used to shoot them. --- God is omnipotent, omniscient and omnibenevolent. If you believe all three of the above at the same time then please send $20 to: The Holy God Loves You And Dosn`t Want You To Burn In Hell Forever Because You Didn`t Donate. Church Of Waz. P.O. Box 552 Rock Island Illinois T.H.G.L.Y.A.D.W.Y.T.B.I.H.F.B.Y.D.D.C.O.W. You Wouldn`t hit a guy with glasses Would you..? Would you..? No, I`d use my fists.. Moby Ferret, the white ferret! --- Transcribed to txt format by Saint Tiwesdaeg Twohands of the Bureaucratic Order of Obtuse Kodexes from http://www.junkpile.demon.co.uk/Waz.htm.