Vol. 1 Issue 3 SPAM The Official(Sort-Of) Newsletter Of The Spamian Movement Of The Discordian Society Editor In Chief And Founder Robert I. Brayer(The Punisher!) Impartial NON-SPAMIAN EDITOR: Nick Andros Within: THAT FAT, BALD GUY FROM THE NIRVANA VIDEOISM ----- THE DEBUT OF HORRORSCOPES AND THE GOLDEN MAGE ON THE ROAD ----- SPAM IN THE MEDICAL WORLD ---- JUST IN TIME FOR BATMAN RETURNS: BATSPAM! ---- AND MUCH MUCH MORE!!!(TM) ----------- NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Ahh.. Issue 3 is here.. for those of you who can't see this in VGA too bad.. no EGA out of here..too much work for us lazy SPAMIANS, we were extremely happy to have just about all our authors fulfill the deadlines. This is the first issue where basically, all I am writing is this note from the editor. Well, that and my editing and a lot of other stuff, now I am extremely happy about this, and I hope this kind of response will continue as we try and get this thing as far the hell out of Orlando as possible. A note for possible writers: Follow-up articles are neato, but don't get too repetitive we have one follow-up in here on the growing cult of SIBYLISM and we are unlikely to follow-up any further on that topic, the past is the past and these issues are going to look better and better damnit! Now about the turkey thing.. [When Suddenly] "NO ONE SUSPECTS THE SPAMISH INQUISITION!" "Hey, I'm the editor, I'm already a SPAMIAN, in fact I started this whole dang thing!" "You be a spamian or we'll chop your legs off." "I am a spamian." "Ahh a cabbage trick! Nice try!" "Listen, could you come back later this issue?" "You'd like that wouldn't you!" "Yes." "Oh. Ok." ... that was NOT my fault, it was the white meat! For those of you in VGA, pretty eh? Those with the VGA/SOUNDBLASTER edition are rocking to Monty Python's version of SPAM.. those with nothing are rocking to nothing. Which makes you look like a fool. But that's hardly my fault. Hey fnord, send some letters to the editor in here, comments, questions? Oh incidentally: WE'RE IN COLUMNS NOW! Wow. .... Mail me.. Robert I. Brayer, The Punisher, or (the notorious) BOB THE FRIENDLY GIANT! We'll probably print anything. We're desperate. Send Commander Chaos stuff! I will pester you until you do! You know that don't you? -=- SPAM IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION. By Deadheads: Spam, has had no slack through the years. Saying it is a meat byproduct etc... Now it has been shown that when administered through the jugular vain, wondrous things happen. Three years ago, six lab monkeys were given aids. The aids had gotten to the point of almost killing the monkeys. Various test were tried, all failed. Interesting enough, one brisk night, one of the doctors out drinking with the buddy, decided to stop in at the lab. He was now very drunk and found a can of spam in his pocket. It was his lunch for the next day. As a joke for the doctors, he administered some of the spam in one of the monkeys arm. The next day, the monkey had shown slight improvement in its poor condition. With one dose, the monkey had shown signs of increased white blood cell production. Although this was small. The cells were attacking the aids virus. The doctors were baffled. Then after a week of analysis, the one doctor came out and said what he has done. The others laughed at him. To prove that it was, he took more spam and injected it into another monkey's arm. The next day it showed improvement. The doctors then decided that once a week those two monkeys would be given an injection of spam. After two years the AIDS virus was almost completely gone. Then spam protesters signed a document with the state government saying that spam should not be used in the medical profession. It passed. The doctors were set back, they decided to move to another state and continue there experiments in secret. This year, the doctors came out in the open to the news paper and told of how there latest experiment, injecting a liquid form of spam into the jugular vain eradicated the aids virus within two weeks. With almost no side effects. Although this "drug" is very addictive, it is only administered once, and should not go through a addictive cycle. The FDA is now considering and reviewing the new information, and it looks like the spam drug now called "spam23.1" should be released to the public within two years. -=- AND NOW: FOR THE SPAMIAN NEWS(Complied By Wire Reports) The Spamian News in Brief FURTHER RELEASE OF CABBAGE DETAILS A new, more precise study of cabbage infiltration created by the PPP (Paranoia, Propaganda, and Pogroms) division of the Spamian Movement has been released to the general public. The new release indicates that as much as 53% of the human population has been infiltrated by cabbage saboteurs. The PPP could not be reached for further comment, since at the time of this story's publication its head, The Golden Mage, was on a mission to an undisclosed location near Antarctica. The RPR (Rapid Panic Response) division also was unavailable, since its head was reportedly busy committing suicide. NEW SIG OPENS At the time of this article's publication, a new special interest group has been opened on the Toolbox Online BBS, /Spam, as a service by the Toolbox Online BBS. It's Sig-Op, and our beloved founder, The Punisher, is urging all Spamians to make use of this new SIG, since it "...should be considerably more fun than consuming baby powder". CALL FOR RECRUITS ISSUED The Spamian recruitment office has issued a call for more recruits, in the hopes that more loyal cabbage fighters can be gained. In recent weeks, several of the Spamian Movement's best were captured by the cabbage saboteurs and human allies. Rumors persist that if more conventional force cannot be used, the PPP may resort to using extremely cruel, nasty, and generally painful techniques to extract even more information from known cabbage sympathizers as to the location of top cabbage bases. BUSLOAD OF CHILDREN VANISHED A full complement of 37 young children from a Christian academy has been reported as missing. Since many of these children belonged to humans known and suspected of aiding cabbages in their plot to take over the planet, many have suggested that the PPP may have been involved. Although The Golden Mage could not be reached for comment, a spokesperson for the PPP said, "We did not take the children. That was a quite sloppy job. If the PPP had taken on that mission, we would most certainly have left evidence of torture or possibly a corpse or two." The Punisher has declined to comment. NEW BBS'S SOON A new Spamian base will soon be originating in the Orlando area. Reportedly, this BBS will be called "The Penis BBS". It is likely that it will be creating a Spamian Network with several other BBS's. All Spamians will soon be ordered to go ahead and come. -=- We now bring you... The Adventures of BatSpam I by Enduro "Gee, golly, BatSpam, what are we going to do?" shrieked the boy-lite, "We're surrounded by cabbages!" "Yes, Boy-Lite, but if we hurry! Grab your bat-can, Boy- Lite!" "Yes, BatSpam!" Both the Boy-Lite and BatSpam took their bat-cans from their bat-belts and flung them into the midst of the oncoming horde of cabbages. "Oh no!" roared one of the cabbages as it began to shrink, to shrivel to a puddle, its green juices intermingling with the grey, murky water beneath it. Twelve cabbages fallen, BatSpam looked to Boy-Lite and smiled ever so slightly. The remaining eight ceased their heedless advance, and drew their sleek cabbage spitters. "Watch it, BatSpam!" cried the Boy-Lite as a gooey cabbage leaf splattered all over his face. It seemed to smother it, the smell of the cabbage was overwhelming, and he fought to wipe the single leaf away. Boy-Lite finally wiped the sickening cabbage off his face just in time to see BatSpam bound forward at the cabbages, charging forward with reckless abandon. "Ha ha, BatSpam!" laughed one of the cabbages, backing up a step, and sighting his cabbage spitter on BatSpam, "You are no match for us!" Several volleys of cabbage zipped by BatSpam, as he ducked and dodged his way forward, his long, stringy legs covering the distance quickly. **POW!!!** **WHAM!!** **ZOWWY!** **OOF!!!** **THUD!!** **SMACK!** "Let's get outta here!" screamed the leader, pulling away from BatSpam. "Yeah, let's go!" yelled another, his steps soon following the leader's. "I've got them, BatSpam!" puffed Boy-Lite as he took one last step, then launched himself into the air at the cabbages. "Ack!" roared one of the cabbages, "We have been apprehended!" "That's right!", BatSpam paced over to stand above where Boy- Lite and the cabbages were laying on the ground, "Cabbaging never pays!" "Yeah, BatSpam, you tell them!" Boy-Lite asserted, continuing to exert force upon the cabbages, keeping them down. "Keep these criminals here while I go to the BatCanMobile for the cabbage cage." "Okay, BatSpam." And so, once again, our heros have succeeded in ridding Gotham of a few more cabbages. Remember, kids, cabbaging never pays. Just like BatSpam said! -=- The following article is extremely controversial, the coming of the SPAMIAN BIBLE gives different viewpoints from ERIS herself, however many spamians take this side anyhow, it is an issue that has split the large movement? Just how did SPAM start? "Historical Spam" Theory By Buuford Spam started out in a village in old America were the grass was green and the farm animals played their games in a not so far of meadow. One day a farm boy was out playing in the fields with his own animals. His father told him not to play so far away from the farm, but the boy was a rebel he didn't like his father and wanted to go exploring along a short, or so he thought short, path that led into the middle of a forest that was nearby. He thought that he would be back in time to catch old Lassie reruns and also catch a bite to eat. His journey took just a little bit longer than he imagined. As he progressed further along in the forest he realized that the path that he had taken had closed up behind him and he could not recognize the path back. He began to get anxious his heart beat rapidly the young boy had never been in a situation like this before. He had no idea in hell what he was doing. The path began to get darker and darker. His eyes began to feel heavy he could no longer keep them open. He felt that the place he was at, for now was a good enough place to take a rest, so he laid his head down on a nice thickly padded patch of soft green grass. As he was lying there he felt a sort of comfort. He didn't know what it was he just felt warm like he had felt before as in lying on his mother's warm breast. He long for that breast and the Spam that she could whip up in no time and at this moment he realized the hunger he had. He fell asleep thinking that the pain of his stomach would be gone when he awoke. The next morning with the morning dew on the leaves there was a strange aura of light around him the light was so intense that it hurt for him to open his eyes. He tried to block his eyes from the intense light but nothing seemed to work. He noticed a strange noise peering around some bushes, it was like nothing he ever heard from what he could make out it seemed like someone said, or something, The Cure "Close to Me." The strange music startled him because when he saw what the people were doing he wanted to be included. As he poked round the bushes the he saw people eating cans of Spam that he loved to eat at his house. When he came out from behind the bushes the people, or well known as Spamians which he did know at the time, were startled because they hadn't experience an outside life form in there colony before. Strangely enough they accepted him in to their society with great pleasure. He grew with these people most of his life and grew to understand there society. From there the Spamians had agreed that he showed great improvement and leadership of the people. Therefore they nominated him as Spamian Leader. He lead these people through famines without Spam he help them in great times of need and progressed them into the people we have following them today "Spamians." His life went on and brought many prosperous things about in the Spamian movement. Just like his saga continued so should the Spamian movement. -=- AND NOW IT'S TIME CHILDREN FOR... ... COMMANDER CHAOS- ADVICE! Issue 3.. This time out we were sent a multifax..most likely a joke, but since you jerks won't send me anything else I'm going to answer these one by one! FNORD! Dear Commander Chaos - I have been very frustrated lately at the kind of promotion of Spam Lite that Hormel has been producing. How can they expect US to believe that they really have a better Spam. Spam is life. Life is Spam. There is no light way of life, therefore, there shouldn't be a light Spam either. Do you agree with this point of view? - Stimpson J. Cat Professional Mouse Catcher Dear Stimpson J. Fake, It is a known fact that mouse catchers have toe lint problems. You should consider seeing Dr. T.Z. Lavine, he is GREAT for getting rid of that excess lint, and I have NO affiliation with him at all(Hi T.Z.!). What was the question again? Luv, -CC Commander Chaos: I personally believe that all people should rot in Spam Hell. Joan Schweinhund, Manager of Piggly Wiggly, Orlando. Dear Joan, Spam Hell? What is that, like Luncheon heaven? AHH! NO HAM FOR ME! I'm full! Oh God it's a spam-ham-jam-sand-wich! That's not hell! Hell is being forced to watch a TV with only C-SPAN and the WEATHER CHANNEL For eternity. Really puts things into perspective. Luv, -CC Dear Commander, Is it just me, or are there pink elephants dancing around the room? Sincerely, Toilet Seat, President Tidy Bowl of America, Inc. Dear Toilet Seat, Get a better name. Luv, -CC Dear Commander - Do you consider yourself: a) heterosexual, b) homosexual, c) bisexual, or d) spamsexual ? Also, do you like to sneak up behind cats, yank their tail hard, and then run? It's quite stimulating. Love, Richard Cranium, V.P. Latex Prophylactics Dear Richard, I would say, A, B, C, D and Maryland. Why? Because Maryland has all these fine things and more! Visit Maryland! They never pay advice columnists to endorse them! And that's why I go there. As for cats, I prefer to let the cute little kitties get caught in a (CENSORED BY EDITOR, TOO MUCH FOR YOUR SMALL EYES TO SEE, THIS DAMN COMMANDER CHAOS IS GETTING FAR TOO OBSCENE, HE WILL BE REPRIMANDED) ... And Now, a public apology By Commander Chaos, I would just like to apologize to Cat Lovers everywhere for my comments regarding excessive destruction of poor, sweet kitties. After all, my method and my timing was way off, if I had thought about heavy machinery, then- (CENSORED BY EDITOR, YOUR EYES ARE NOT THAT SMALL BELIEVE US, BUT THIS GUY IS REALLY SICK AND DEMENTED, WHICH IS WHY HE IS OUR ADVICE COLUMNIST, WE WILL ATTEMPT TO GET AN APOLOGY OUT OF HIM THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE ISSUE, GOOD LUCK) -=- THE RELIGION OF THE MONTH! "That fat, bald guy from the Nirvana Videoism" First a brief history of SKIDS: THE RISE AND DEMISE OF THE FAT BALD JANITOR GUY FROM NIRVANA BY DEICIDE Recently Skids (more commonly known as The Fat Bald Janitor Guy From Nirvana) has become real popular. With small but significant parts in "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Smells Like Nirvana" and most recently "I Don't Think You Love me Anymore" he has become one of the most well known and WORSHIPPED figures in the world today. However, he hasn't always been popular.. He was once a Skinny Kid who was Intellectually Denounced, (From which we derive SKIDS). Skids was always picked on by the other kids, taunted everytime he went outside. Eventually this became too much for him, he dropped out of society, became a couch potato, gained weight. Skids was building up a lot of stress over the years in the house, everytime the doorbell would ring he'd hide in the closet. With no outlet for this buildup of stress his hair fell out. This was enough for him, he decided it was time to rejoin reality. He'd get a job, a solitary one, but paid good, it'd have to make use of his experience with closets and what he did in them. While watching TV one day he saw a commercial which appealed to him : Are You Tired Of Wasting Your Life Away On a Couch? Are You Fat, Bald and Ugly? Can You Scare Small Children Without Reasonable Effort? Do You Enjoy Spending Extended Periods Of Time In Closets? THEN DO I HAVE THE CAREER FOR YOU! Dial 1-800-JAN-ITOR For More Information! It was his dream, he picked up the phone and called immediately. He signed up for a 2 week course in Janitorial Skills which he literally breezed through, evidently he was made for the job. Tuesday - July 22, 1991 came his big break. Skids was cleaning out one of the backed up stalls, when Kurt Cobain came in to take a leak. Kurt caught glimpse of Skids in the mirror and immediately he sprung an erection er.. idea. This guy would be PERFECT for his new video! He could see it now.... A fat bald guy wringing out a rag soaked with soapy water, as erotic cheerleaders dressed in tight black outfits danced before him. Skids gladly accepted the job, being able to do his janitorial thing and getting paid ten times more appealed to him. After Nirvana released him, it became apparent he could never go back to his previous low paying "s*** job." Shortly thereafter, he was signed by Weird Al Yankovich who signed him up for two more small but significant parts in his videos. Al was willing to pay even more to Skids, and this made him happy. Al and Skids became good friends, maybe too good.. They started taking showers together and... HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!! In "Smells Like Nirvana" he danced in a tutu and pulled a soggy donut from a bucket and took a bite, it is rumored he got a bonus for this, in "I Don't Think You Love Me Anymore" he shot a bow through the piano player's eye causing a chain reaction which ended his life (The Piano Players). The authorities did not like this, last time they checked murder was a crime, even for "The Fat Bald Janitor Guy" they were forced to arrest him. He was thrown into a state prison, the trials started shortly after... In a five minute deliberation, the charges where dropped due to a virtually unknown clause in the 2nd Degree Murder Law exempting Fat Bald Men in Grey Jumpsuits. Skids didn't like the verdict, so he said something bad about the judge's mother in front of everyone (Which happened to be true) and was thrown back into the state prison, where he lived happily ever after with his roommate "Butch". THE END Not actually.. Skids escaped and would appear in an Iron Maiden video, before he was shot dead and, then crucified. He was already dead, but man his corpse was sorry. These events would set up a chain reaction that would lead to a cult. Right now, "That Fat Bald Guy From The Nirvana Videoism" (or TFBGFTNV for short) Is the fastest rising cult among teenagers today, (with Ross Perot ass-kissing a close second), the authorities say it MUST STOP, What's that? A late-breaking bulletin? We got him to apologize? Great.. This program will resume after the following news brief: I, Commander Chaos, would like to apologize for my previous comments about destroying felines. I am sure I offended lots of people, and of course I'm sorry, but, cats can be annoying at times, and while we vent our frustrations by talking about it, I would never ever, use any kind of machinery on a small helpless- (Chainsaw sounds) Uh, cat, never (Ear-Piercing screams), really! (COMMANDER CHAOS HAS BEEN PULLED OFF THE AIR! HIS LIES WILL BE DEALT WITH AND WE WILL GET HIM TO APOLOGIZE AGAIN! THIS TIME FOR REAL!) We now return you to your regularly scheduled cult... "TFBGFTNV must stop," says Orange County Cop, Tom Friedman, "We've got all these weird people running around with doughnuts, and quite frankly, they're cutting in on our job." Even innocent people are upset. "They just run past your house and dance around, it's a real pain at bridge club meetings." quotes an irate Mrs. Parker of Oviedo. The problem is extending, we at THE SPAMIAN MOVEMENT are proud to use this crisis for our own purposes, to introduce the follow-up to one of last-month's religion(s) of the months... -=- We'd just like to pause here and recognize a great man, who, sadly, passed from our lives recently, Bill Gaines(1922-1992), was the publisher of MAD magazine, the GREATEST satrical magazine ever. Maybe the best mag ever. We love ya Bill, Rest In Peace, you've earned it. -=- Swami Deadheads Reporting: We all are into the Astrology thing. Well of course these are false. Its well known that the art of bone reading is the truly accurate future telling device, and is used here. All of this is true and is not government funded. So you can believe it and dedicate your entire life to it. Your world will dramatically change. So here it is. ARIES (March 21-April 19): Obviously these people are an extension off of Eris, so they should be closer to him. Remember you should eat hot-dogs on Fridays, without those buns!!!! The future in store for you is this, You will die. Maybe not right away, but it will eventually happen! You will meet a person who you will fall deeply in love with. You will know its the person when they wave a dead chicken in front of your face and spit chewing tobacco on your groin. You will marry, this cannot be changed. Then your love will reveal there true nature, that they are actually gay, and the opposite sex that you thought they were. For those males out there... children are not possible. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Cows should be killed, since you are an extension from the cow... it is suggested that you go and consult a psychiatrist about how to change this. Maybe eat less. The future in store for you is of grave importance. You will go broke due to supporting a spam habit that an alien has. You will have sex with the alien and they will dump you. Not like you think... from 12 miles in the air. GEMINI (May 21-June 21): What kind of moron do you think I am... this Astrological Sign does not exist... it is propaganda sent out by the government to create killers. Sheesh... didn't you see the Exorcist movies??? I would go send a letter bomb to your congressmen and ask what the hell is going on! And why you turned out the way you are. CANCER (June 22-July 22): Poor creatures, you will find God this month. He will be lying in a dumpster near a Taco Bell. This month you will see that your house may be robbed. To avoid this send your address to the P.O. Box listed below. If you are robbed. Do not call the police for they will beat you into realizing that it was probably the cat who took the TV. The cop will leave satisfied that he/she doesn't have to do any paper work. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): This is suppose to be a representation of a lion. Yeah right, and I'm a six fingered elephant from pluto... I would fight any one of you any day after the week! You will find that your dog is a transsexual. If this happens, he/she... whichever the case may be, will have mad passionate sex with a fence post. This is bad. The fence will get angry and rust. Avoid this at all costs. It is mating season now... all you leos, if you are sexually depressed then kill yourself. It's easier that way. I wish that I could continue this... but I just broke the poor guy's hip bone, and can no longer get accurate readings. If you wish to get your own readings, then take your best friend, and throw him/her against a large and very hard wall. Then look at the order that the bones are placed in. If everything is in order and nothing is dislocated, then re-throw. Make sure that no bones break. This is bad. Well thanks for reading... await next month, when I find a new friend, (preferably one with stronger bones) and see what is installed in the future for YOU. ---------------------------- WORD OF THE MONTH : FASEDNASEDOASEDRASEDD I cannot say this word, but it is commonly used among Spamians. It means all that is good, is bad. And all that is bad is good. Nevermind if you don't understand it. Its beyond you if you have never eaten spam. Sit down, eat a can or two of spam, watch 12 hours of the Honeymooners, and read at least 3 Bazooka bubble gum wrappers. If you understand the jokes and believe that they are funny, then contemplate the word. This must be done in a total of 17.535634 minutes. -=- The Golden Mage on the ROAD!!! "Well, it's very hard, and it's all nice and concrete, with two little yellow lines running down the center. There are a bunch of cars on it, and sometimes you can see some small, furry, woodland creatures flattened on it. Yummie." - The Golden Mage By: The Golden Mage, Grand Ultra Super Special Neato Leader/Spiritual Adviser of the Paranoia, Propaganda, and Pogroms division of the Spamian Movement of the Discordian Society. Dedicated to serving the Spamian public by causing massive outbreaks of paranoia, starting Green Scares, and coordinating the Spamish Inquisition, a bloodthirsty exercise in Cabbage Boiling. Last month, The Golden Mage was in Los Angeles for the savage riots. As an introduction to this column, he shall tell his story: It was a beautiful day. The birds were singing, children were playing, and smoke was drifting into my window. Now, normally, I would just get up and write about the smoke. But since I was beginning to run out of Spam anyway, I decided to go out and see what was going on, buying some Spam on the way. Munching on my newly purchased goodies, I left the grocery store. As I walked towards my hotel, I noticed that there were people running all about me, smashing windows, and killing each other. It suddenly occurred to me that I was in the midst of English soccer fans! No, that could not be it! Worse, I was a white man trapped in the middle of the L.A. riots! Screaming, I ran towards the hotel, hoping to grab my matches and join in the fun before it was over. As I rounded the corner, into a four way intersection, I bumped into an angry mob, with chains and pipes. Nearby, a police officer was munching on a doughnut, politely ignoring the situation. What could I do? Here I was, the leader of the Paranoia, Propaganda, and Pogroms division of the Spamian Movement, trapped! Thinking back to my rigorous anti-cabbage training, I remembered the Spam I was carrying. Perhaps I had a chance after all! -=- WE INTERRUPT THIS COLUMN FOR A PUBLIC APOLOGY BY COMMANDER CHAOS: I, Commander Chaos am very happy to now own over 20 cats. I love 'em. They're great. And with salt and pepper make an excellent lunch or dinn- (COMMANDER CHAOS WILL MAKE ANOTHER ATTEMPT LATER) -=- I reached into my pocket (A quite large one), and withdrew a can of that most omnipotent of meat byproducts. I squeezed on the can as hard as I could, neatly forcing the contents into my mouth. Swallowing, I felt a jolt of strength enter my body. The great Spam had lent me its strength! Like a professional wrestler, I flexed my muscles in the smokey sunlight. The policeman continued eating his doughnut, oblivious. Using the skills I had learned by defeating hordes of cabbages, singlehandedly, I projected my foot through the leader's testicles, sending them somewhere into Nebraska. Gasping his last breath, he collapsed. The rest of the mob quickly made their exits. The policeman continued eating his doughnut. Later, I learned that he had died of a heart attack, somewhere near the middle of this column. Victorious, I left the scene, munching on some more lovely Spam. ***NEXT MONTH YUGOSLAVIA!!!*** -=- <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> A Communion with my Goddess! or How Much is that Big Hairy Toothsome Fnord in the Window Part 1 By: Episkapose Gorm KSC WPG KST SOM KMP DOT FPAECUFT. Of: The Apostles of Eris: Church of Unified Free Thought. Once upon a time, there was an Erisian named Gorm{1}, and he decided to take a stroll with 2 of his very close friends, Samuel Wolfowl{2}, and Laurel Goldenflax{3} They were walking near to Gorm's Dungeon{4} on a beach of pebbles on Lake Faulkner when the following poem came to Gorm. Gorm and Samuel were lying on the beach of stones staring into the beautiful Full-Moonlight and the light of the stars, and Laurel Approached Gorm, and handed to an elixir of visions. Gorm drank the potion, and received this vision from his Goddess: <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<--VISION-->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Lying on a field of pebbles, I look up, and see the naked breasts of my Goddess flash from under her thin white shirt, which only reaches her naval. But it is dark, and all I get is a Visual taste of what lies beneath the silky cloth and normally is totally concealed from my hungry view. They are round, and shaded by the fabric in the light of an almost full moon. The moonlight shines through the material of the shirt, but is diffuse, and is tenuous at best without shading. The fabric of her garment hinges on Her beautiful shoulders, like shudders blowing in a brisk wind. With my mind, I reach up, and caress them. I worship them, Offer them my unworthy soul. I lean up and forward, and gently kiss them with my undeserving lips. I fondle the small tips with my tongue, Trace a fractal pattern around the even smaller nipples, ever smaller, until my minds computer crashes because the resolution is too small, But alas, I must relinquish this thought, as it is nothing but a construct of my unfirm mind. OH!, How I long to live within that fiction, eternally a fantasy running along my synapses, until the worms eat my last molecule! How I would obey the Goddess, cherish her every whim.... But again, I am unworthy! I do not deserve even my Construct. I Sloth, and Croggle! I vow to make myself worthy! to stop Slothing, and loose my Croggle, But I realize that it is impossible. My croggle is mine. It defines my personality, Makes me, who I really am. It is my program. I sloth through life, and will in death too. If only the Goddess would smile at me... She does smile, but never enough. Is it my presence that causes her displeasure? I live my life to please her.... I accept her teasing as a compliment. no one can desire her any more then I.... not even close... I cry to myself, Silent tears that never fall from my eyes... only well, and threaten to burst forward. I love my Goddess, and yet She pretends not to notice, Or Does She even notice me? As I drown in Her presence, not just Her Physical Beauty, but Her Intellectual being too! She is all I ever dream of... Eternity with my Goddess, the Highest plateau of pleasure possible! More then just physical pleasure, ACCEPTANCE! I then know that what I had thought I had seen, was nothing more then my dream.... the Goddess is too beautiful to see with my Eyes..... She is but pure love. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<--VISION-->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> {1} (Kinda weird name, Huh?) {2} (A Male Friend of Gorm's who Lives in Mary's Land and Is a Fellow Erisian. Samuel is the founding father of The Moloko Cabal, and can be found in Alt.Callahans under that name if the person looking for him has the Balls necessary to deal with an Erisian Werewolf.) {3} (Laurel Is an Alchemist-Chancellor Friend of Gorm's. Not much is known of her but that she is Beautiful, Wiser then many twice her age, and off limits to the likes of those who will read this story! Laurel is known to reside in Either Mary's Land, or in the North Corolin Islands, depending on the season, and the holiday. {4} (Gorm enjoyed living in a Dungeon... it was quite soothing, never too much light, nor too much noise... Plenty of time for contemplative thought about the universe....) <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> SPLAT! The Game. Now here's a Game reminiscent of Sink, great for beachtime fun (but ya must substitute seagulls for pigeons) OOH, wouldn't suggest you get caught playing this one, as your parent's will probably force you to undergo 20 needless rabies treatments from large needles in your soft&fleshy parts if they hear about it! NEEDED: -------- Bicycles, Dirt bikes, or wheelchairs. Tennis racquettes, golf clubs, polo mallets, or croquette mallets. A suitable playing area, shopping mall pkg lot, park, beach or golf course. The more daring use rooftops, provided they're flat. (Note:bicycles are ineffective at beach) A supply of pigeons. One of the following: Breadcrumbs, corn, or popcorn. A bottle of cheap whisky A few cases of cold beer. Course preparation and rules: The day before, soak bait in whisky. Drink remainder. On the day of the game, sprinkle the bait all-over the course. Set up goals at either end of the course. Divide into two teams. Decide on game length choose goals. Winning team is the one that gets the most dead/crippled pigeons into their goal at games end. You must stay mounted on bike etc. the entire game. Players can steal kills from other team until the other team gets the bird into its goal. Once a kill is in the goal it can't be stolen. Play until: 1) The time is up 2) You run out of pigeons 3) the SPCA arrives in riot gear Note: Any kill taken by shotgun, or other anti-air fire is disqualified. Options: Bonus points may be given for other creatures, like gulls, cats, dogs, small children, squirrels, rabbits, and politicians. Losing team toasts winners with napalm, (and pays for it). <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> "The Turkey Curse" believe it or not it does work.... what it does is send a burst of concentrated (or dispersed) Eristic Energy in any direction you decide to send it... when it contacts Aneristic Energy (order, Bureaucracy, whatever) the 2 cancel out.... you either stand, so as to all face the source of the Aneristic Energy, or if it is something that has no location, you stand at the points of a pentagon facing out. get into a "Bruce Lee" / Kung Fu type stance.... you know legs spread out kinda squatting.... with a serious-type look on your face, and you then make grotesque hand and body movements for 5 seconds and after that you point your index fingers at the source, and say "Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble!" If it is a person, don't worry if they look at you funny... it's normal for the Pink to act that way... and generally it works... but you have to be in a Humorous mood.... and sometimes it takes a few times to get the timing correct.. have fun! AND NOW: THE FINAL APOLOGY FROM COMMANDER CHAOS: I, Commander Chaos, apologize for eating kitty for dinner back there, it was really too bad but it tasted awful good I am sorry to say. You will be happy to know that I have been now converted into good, the ways of good have taken my sins away, I no longer eat kittens... PUPPIES TASTE MUCH BETTER AND THEY ARE CHEAPER AND THEY ARE(DAMN HIM.. THE APOLOGY WILL ATTEMPT TO BE RENDERED NEXT ISSUE, THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN FNORD, YOUR ATTEMPT HAS BEEN LOGGED) -Till Next Time, ..Merrily we roll along..roll along..fnord along.. send columns and articles to me ! QUESTIONS TO CC! ..